| JOHN ROSEMOND SYNDICATED COLUMNIST The following are some things I've been thinking about lately. I thought perhaps you might want to think about them too. If you truly respect a child, you expect a lot of the child. Respecting and expecting go hand-in hand. Consider then that, since the 1960's, America's parents and America's schools have expected less and less of children as they praised and rewarded them more and more and still more. That explains, I think, why so many of today's kids have an abundance of self-esteem and little self-respect. Being stubborn and strong-willed comes naturally to children. They are born to it. Stubborn misbehavior requires stubborn love and stubborn discipline. Today's parents need to ask themselves, "Is my discipline of my child -- as stubborn, as reliable, as trustworthy, as consistent, as unconditional -- as my love?" Be honest now. A fellow recently told me that "disciplining a child is a lot like training a dog." I responded politely, but in fact, "I don't agree at all. A dog comes into the world wanting to please. A child comes into the world wanting to be pleased." As Ken Blanchard, author of "The One-Minute Manager" and "Servant Leadership", has said a child is born with a "selfish heart." A dog comes into the world wanting to obey. A child comes into the world wanting to be obeyed. I could go on, but those differences should suffice to clear up any confusion. When I was growing up in the 50's, what I call "high self-esteem behavior" -- seeking attention, bragging, being sarcastic to adults and so on -- was not tolerated in children. When you let yourself get carried away with the natural and unattractive tendency to esteem yourself highly, your parents snapped their fingers and warned, "You're getting too big for your breeches." |
Are definitions of humility and modesty still included in contemporary dictionaries? The most relaxed, and therefore, the best parents are those who take child-rearing seriously, but take the dramatic things children are inclined to do and say with a grain of salt. In the 1960's, the old-as-the-hills notion that every person was worthy of unconditional positive regard by every other person was quickly twisted into the nouveau notion that just about anything anyone does is perfectly OK. Human beings love to make choices. Unfortunately, they absolutely hate to be held accountable for the choices they make. The difference between parenting now and 50 years ago is not that so many of today's moms work outside the home. My mom, a single parent for most of the first seven years of my life, worked outside the home. A good number of my friends' moms worked outside the home. The difference between the working mom of today and the working mom of the 50's is that the latter did not come home feeling guilty. She came home tired, and with responsibilities still ahead of her, and she insisted that her children respect that -- which they did. John Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at: Affirmative Parenting 1020 E. 86th Street, Suite 268 Indianapolis, IN 46240 and at his website: John Rosemond |